Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A momma's heartsick lament

Here it is - I MISS my kids.

I miss them like mad.

I miss them because I know that suddenly with the beginning of grade one everything has changed. I mean I used to at least have every other day with my boy, and since Z was born, I have had just about every day with her. But with the beginning of the school year, I am scheduled to return to work (more on this later) and my little boy is a big boy, and my baby girl - a toddler. How this all happened is beyond me. It was not that long ago that either one of them was a squealing little baby in my arms, completely and utterly dependent. Not so anymore. I pick Z up at day care and she is happy to see me - bit still wants to play, and is so tired that she does nothing but fall apart until we get to snuggle at bedtime. And even after two days at school Mo has all sorts of new sayings and habits that smack of big kid!

This is made all the more painful because we are coming off arguably the very best summer of my life. I have awesome kids, and no - I did not feel that way every day this summer. But we did a lot. We played in the rain, we danced in the sand, we hiked along rivers and up mountains, we went down in caves, saw dinosaur bones, searched for fossils at the beach, we visited with friends (a lot), we visited with family, I taught Mo to swim, we build castles, we built puzzles, we splash padded, we worked in the garden with Pioneers, we made lemonade with real lemons, we canoe tripped as a family again, we camped with friends, we made new friends, Mo skateboarded, we saw Niagara Falls and Georgian Bay within the space of two weeks, we snuggled, we watched movies, we watched bugs... and I watched my kids. I watched them grow, and grow and grow.

I started a new fitness regimen, I feel better.

I did not get the list I had for around the house even close to done - but you know what? I don't really care. The only time I do is when I have company, then I get a bit worried about it. Our grass is longer than most, and our house is messy. The reason? We are doing stuff all the time, and I would always chose catching frogs over cleaning floors. And so, I surround myself with people who don't care about my house - just us.

Now, I am supposed to be back at work and I am on strike, you see - I am a support staff member at Loyalist. I love my job, I love the people and the students I work with. I am also a 'sometimes' prof - thankfully not this semester - so I am not faced with the decision about whether or not to cross. But I will tell you, striking is not fun. We are not doing it for our well-being, we have already lost a lot of money. But, on the flip side, I am thankful to have a little bit of extra time with my kids as they ease into the routine we'll be in till the very least - next summer. My heart breaks when I think of Mo getting off the bus to someone else, though today he did - just for a bit - and seemed disappointed that I picked him up just as they were about to go outside. Zaley is have great fun at daycare but clings to me for most of the night as she adjusts - and I am thankful that for now I am not driving at 7:30 am.

I know all things change, and time flows on - but for a moment - just a moment, I would not mind a full stop, I'd hold on to my babies and we would all be still, the wind smelling like honeysuckle... in the next moment Mo is running to the school bus and Zaley is doing stunts on the bicycle as we wave him off.

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